It’s been a dreary, rainy couple of days outside, and I know that if it goes on like this for long I am going to be tearing my hair out. But truth be told, I think a couple stormy, cozy days inside are just what we needed. If I had written this blog entry a couple of weeks ago, like I intended to, I could not have said that. I would have confessed to being very near the depths of despair. After weeks of travel, we were all in a state of exhaustion that seemed too deep to get out of. To say that it has been a challenging couple of weeks of parenting is, frankly, laughably inadequate. It has been terrible. I’ve been struggling to keep up with work and relationships and responsibilities, and two Fridays ago I went apple picking with Missy and am pretty sure I showed up looking (and acting) like this wild, disheveled and slightly maniacal psychopath who just. couldn’t. hack it anymore. It is a testament to her and our friendship that she still likes me after that day.
I intended to write a pretty honest blog entry in this state about how I sometimes go along, managing alright, and then suddenly realize that I have completely overestimated myself. I am a capable person, but sometimes I fool myself into believing that I am more capable than I actually am. That would be the story of this year, with a new baby and a three-year-old who is giving me a run for my money and a part time job that is not part time, still thinking I can learn to can or keep my house clean or show up to stuff. And by mid-September, it was very clear to me that I. Could. Not. If there had been room for me among all the gigantic dust-bunnies, you would have found my taking residence under my bed indefinitely.
But then my parents showed up. They didn’t really come on a rescue mission, since they’d been planning to come for a while, but their timing could not have been better. They came in and picked me up, brushed me off, and put me gently back on my path. We talked and laughed, and I got to work through some of the stuff spinning around in my head. They made me nap when my children napped. They weeded my flower bed and did my laundry and spoon-fed Lucy. They told me that Henry is a delight and that I’m doing a good job with him. My mom helped me clean up my bedroom for the first time in three years (!!) and solved the clutter problem in my living room that was slowly eating away at my soul. We watched “Longmire” with Jason and ate Haagen Daaz ice cream bars every night.
And so now it is Friday night again, and I am sitting in my clean, clutter-free living room, listening to the rain while Jason plays hockey. And I don’t feel like hiding under my bed anymore. But I still wanted to write an honest blog entry about how things are going around here.